My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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