then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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