At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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