I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
