Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
