I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
