Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
