just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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