My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
