just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
