I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My cat gives me a boner
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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