im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
