11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
