he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
