i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
