You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I am available for nakedness
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
