I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
