Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
