I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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