There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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