She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize