Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
