did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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