i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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