Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.