Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
