it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Drunk is not a location!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
