Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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