He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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