if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
