i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
