can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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