You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
