Got a toothbrush?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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