so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
