Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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