I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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