No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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