it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
