god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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