This house was built for laser tag.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
