One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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