she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
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still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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