you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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