I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
