never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
