I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
