grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
