Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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