I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
