Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards