Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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