i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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