There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
